Spring is in the air

Tussilago, Coltsfoot...the first one I saw the other day going to the gym. Spring is finally here. Slowly, slowly life is returning, warming up my bones, warming up my soul. But I don't have much patience at the moment. I want to go ahead of time. I'll miss when they sweep the sidewalks, which means the end of a long winter. I will not be here by then.

Slag/The blows

Dokumentären om Josefin Nilsson drabbade mig och många. Mäns våld mot kvinnor.
Jag är en kvinna som har drabbats av våld i två relationer - med kvinnor. Jag tror att, i debatten, glömmer man lätt bort att våld även förekommer i samkönade förhållanden. Det är ju ännu jobbigare att prata om. Varför? Jag tror att det har att göra med att man först får kämpa för att överhuvudtaget ha en homosexuell relation i ett heterosexuellt samhälle. Sedan kommer slagen och då är man tyst som en mus. Vad skulle polisen säga om jag hade anmält? Hade de skrattat åt mig?
Jag blev slagen gul och blå. Mitt hår drogs av. Jag slogs i huvudet mot ett sånt där gammaldags element. Hon tog stryptag på mig. Jag överlevde, men slutade leva. Bad henne att sticka kniven i mig, som hon hade i ena handen samtidigt som den andra knuffade ner mig i ett tomt badkar.

Idag lever jag i en underbar relation. Ibland tackar jag min fru för att hon är så underbar. Jag får nypa mig i armen. Såhär är det nu och hon säger: Men älskling, det vi har nu är helt normalt. Normalt. Inga slag, inget hån. Det tar tid att vänja sig.

Idag är jag glad att kunna berätta om helvetet.

The documentary about Josefin Nilsson hit me and many. Men's violence against women.
I am a woman who has suffered violence in two relationships - with women. I believe that, in the debate, one easily forgets that violence also occurs in same-sex relationships. It is even more difficult to talk about. Why? I think it has to do with having to fight first to have a homosexual relationship at all in a heterosexual society. Then comes the beating and then you are silent like a mouse. What would the police say if I had registered? Had they laughed at me?
I was beaten yellow and blue. My hair was pulled off. I was hit in the head against such an old-fashioned radiator. She took a stranglehold on me. I survived, but stopped living. Asked her to stick the knife in me, as she had in one hand, while the other pushed me down in an empty tub.

Today I live in a wonderful relationship. Sometimes I thank my wife for being so wonderful. I get to pinch my arm. Here it is and she says: But darling, what we have now is quite normal. Normal. No beating, no mockery. It takes time to get used to it.

Today I' m happy to be able to tell about the hell.

(Google helped me to translate and that is not always fortunate. Tried to correct it:)

Analogue child

I´m not an internet child. It makes me crazy, literally. Everybody has everything in reach with a touch. I don´t think it´s healthy, practical, but not healthy. Not when it comes to being creative. For sure you can be creative now as well, but you need to know your history.

I am an analogue child. Recorded my cassettes from the radio, top charts of the seventies. My records of vinyl, loved them. My first camera, a Nikon FM2 with Tri-X 400 ASA film. I went to the darkroom to develop the film. Didn´t like it because it had to be completely dark and I always had fantasies that someone would lay a hand on my shoulder and that scared the shit out of me. But it had to be done. Developing the photos was easier, not totally dark, but also a challenge. Imagine that you have to make an exhibition of fifty photos. That is a challenge.

I´m so happy that I have been analogue! So thankful to my teachers who taught me everything I know. But the technique changes like always and I have, of course, adopted the digital camera. But I could never had done it without my knowledge from the analogue days. I do the same thing today, but I don´t have to deal with the darkness anymore...

Friends

Crazy times with good friends. Having a drink. Miss you...

Anders Petersen

This is an interview by Lars Mensel with Anders Petersen. One of the best ones I´ve heard with him. In 1998 I was in a workshop with Anders that meant a lot to me. By then I didn´t understand anything to be honest. That is why it meant a lot, because I had to work hard to find out what it was I was looking for and didn´t see then. It´s a long journey, being a human.

My subconscious mind led me to where I am now and slowly slowly I think I know where I headed from the beginning. Always a search about who I am and why.

Listen; https://larsmensel.com/blog/you-have-to-be-a-little-bit-stupid

Granny - mormor

This is a picture noone wants to see. My grandmother is dying...so close, but still struggling, she didn't want to leave, I know. She was fighting, literally, only minutes away from dying. One of the worst moments in my life. I told her she could leave, that it was okey. (You are supposed to do that when someone is going, they told me, but I hated it and it was not ok). My heart broke in that moment.
Some of the hardest words I ever said...and how could I bring my camera up to my eye? Judge me. But before you do... take a look at my first book. After that, make your judgement. She was soo important to me. I loved her to the end. And we both fought it. We loved our life together.

I am still here, struggling with my own shit. Miss you, grandmother, so much.
But, I know you are with me, no matter what.
I don't believe in religion, but I believe in love crossing borders between the live and the dead.