Guess what

Well, no more words needed...

Small steps

Finally I received some money to continue my journey. Very grateful of course. The emptiness I feel right now will pass hopefully and I will be back on track eventually. Not now, but soon.
I have soo much to do, projects stock up outside my door and all I have to do is open it. But I´m not by the door yet. Taking small steps to build up all the energy I need to do what I love.

Brain

My wife is cutting up a head of cauliflower and I can't help but thinking of a human brain. I have had to be dealing a lot with mine for the last 16 months now.
The brain, our center, works and works. Imagine all the shit it has to filter...everything you see, hear and think.
It does a marvellous job! You think that You decide what to take in. Forget it. Your brain is doing it for you, magic!
Then something happens. A forced hit to the head. Rise and go on...
But something is different. The filter doesn't work. You didn't even know you had one from the start, did you? Well, be thankful to your brain, take special care of it. Because that is where the You are.

Wait

Shetland, I love it, not so much the story in itself, but the theme music and the lovely english accent, the landscape. Makes me feel at home and that is kind of strange since I've never been there...

Everything else is on hold in my life and that is not a good place to be in. Waiting...to be ok after the accident, waiting for workholders to call for me, waiting for scholarships and grants to be able to continue my work, I wait for so much. Hate it. The wait. What a good sign of progress!

Sweet September

The blue sky above me and the autumn sun is soothing my soul. Breath in, breath out. The seagrass moving in the wind. At first I don't hear it. Takes a while just to stop thinking, worrying and just be here and now. When the moment comes, it is wonderful to receive the beauty and to feel alive.

Bulb

A lightbulb, simple you might think. No, this lightbulb is in the ceiling of our bedroom. I took the picture to see if my sensor is clean, a picture to delete, no shit on the sensor and it's ok to go. Delete picture.

But...I like the picture, just showing a bulb. Come to think of Edison.
These things that are completely natural to us, we expect the light to turn on when we press the switch. Thankyou Edison.

Fear

https://open.spotify.com/track/7E9rcVjE66zO7p4IwyhjBC

A week of disappointment. I have been quiet in my blog. And I have to remind myself in what world I live in. I have been hurt, deep down.
This song on Spotify says it all, in swedish though.
It's about not standing up. Being afraid to stand up and to see yourself. Hiding behind masks. Am I harsh? Usually I see life in all the grayscales, but now it's been black and white. I have some profound values that I follow and there are no grayscales. Yes, I'm hard here.

Again, after so many years in harmony, it was thrown into my face. I'm different and could be treated with disrespect, in kind words.
This blog is supposed to be about the lovely things in my life, but it's also about my reality.
Homofobia is everywhere, I get that. But it hurts when friends turn a blind eye. I have been low for the last couple of days but I will rise again. I always do.

Tomorrow we parade in Pride. For everyone.

One always stands out

Just one stands out so far. It's been a great summer if you are a tomato. Still they didn't 'come out' or mature, getting ripe, as I had wished for. I tried my best to nourish them and I gave them time, my love and I listened.
Still I had to pick them green and put them in the window, sometimes you need a little little help. One stands out.

Now, soon, we, Gothenburg/Göteborg will take over Europride from Stockholm. And I come to think of my tomatoes.

It takes time to mature, to come out. You can do it the hard way, well, I guess it's no choice really - you do it without support, from family etc. Suiciderisk is significant - do work on your folks here is highly recommended.

Or, you do it, strong and convinced and get love and the 'nourishment' that is so important to grow and to flourish, to be free.

You never know really. Everything was perfect for my tomatoes, conditions couldn't be better...but still, they struggled.

Just like coming out as a HBTQperson. But it will be alright in the end. Just trust yourself, easy to say, when you don't know who you are. But trust me. It'll work out fine. Whatever happens, trust me, you will flourish, just like my tomatoes.

Mirror

I mirror myself in you, you mirror yourself in me, maybe. We always look in mirrors, when no one is looking. I guess it is human. The cat refuses to look at herself in the mirror. So, what is it with us, humans?
We reflect eachother with eachother, without reflecting? Life itself. We compare and measure with others.
I wish we didn't use them at all. Like the cats.

Listen to the radio

Listening to "Sommar i P1", today by the eminent photographer Paul Hansen. My wife and I had the luck to have dinner with him and his wife in April. I know that he is of worldclass. But was also happy to discover a guy with a warm heart, a lot of humor, sensibility and depth. Felt like we hit it and I'm sure our roads will cross again some day.
What could be better than to listen to the radio I was given from my beloved grandfather. It's more than 50 years old and only working with batteries, still going strong.

Admiration

If we live a long life, the more things we have to struggle with. But there are people who get a lot of dozes from the body they live in. And they fight.

This man is wonderful. He suffers from all kinds of things that easily could bring anyone down. But he is content. Having problems to speak, having problems to swallow, having problems to get enough saliva and it goes on and on. Still, he is a vital man, curious about life and wants to participate in everything.

Interested in my progress in photography (brought him a stock of great photobooks today, that made him even happier), going to the theatre, the opera, exhibitions amongst other things. He lives his life.

I guess it has to do with having an absolutely wonderful wife by his side and the great family they made together.

But it also has to do with the way he handles life.

On the other hand I have a neighbour who is the contrary, who stopped living a long time ago. Sad.

But this man I admire so much. My uncle, the brother of my late father, who gave up a long time ago.

Time to reflect

My cat is digesting the fish she gets every Saturday. She always tells us that it's Saturday with deeper sounds and bodylanguage. "You didn't forget, did you?" This little creature knows how to relax and I'm studying just that. Her life; small apartment, cuddle, crazy runs around and she is content and like it just the way it is...as long as she gets her fish on Saturdays.

We, on the other hand, myself included, need kicks in our lives. We run and run, away from the troubles in life. Yet, we can run so far.
You should be happy to get a reminder, in any kind, to remind you about the life you live. That's the thing. You have heard it before, people getting cancer for instance and how they mature and find what's important in their life.

I'm going through something now and I'm learning to handle it, but also, to learn about life itself.

As I say; don't forget to reflect, do you live your life, do you live the life that you want?

I tell you and myself, magic things have happened, things I could never even dream of. And what does that tell me? Or you?

Nothing is impossible! Dream and make your dream come true. If you want money, I guess that is no problem.... but if you want a fullfilled life; open your heart, get rid of people with bad energy, find the ones that give you the opposite and hold on, give a little and you will get a lot.

Take care of yourself, as I try to do.

No picture today

Well, as I said in the beginning of this blog, something happened to me a year ago. Sometimes I want to forget about it and go ahead doing things like I used to. It's been quite intense so far this summer and I have had a great time on and off. Now all that is taking out it's toll. No energy left and I need to stop, with everything. The button is switched to 'pause'. But I'll recharge to continue this blog sooner or later.

My love, my love

This is our love. Simple, but deep. We have been hugging eachother for eighteen years.
Not all the time, things came in between, illnesses. Times that we couldn't hug. But we always wanted to.
Now we have spoiled eachother with a weekend in the middle of the week. Knowing that the cat is alright with our lovely neighbours.

Värmland...Warmland in english, sounds wrong...anyhow, we cherish the landscape and enjoy eachother more than ever.

Värmland

A short visit to Mårbacka, the house of Selma Lagerlöf. A fanstastic woman. The landscape here is very special.
I can imagine that the fantasy and imagination can flow out of you here. All the stories going from mouth to mouth.

JH Engström lives closeby and I come to think of the book 'From Back Home' that he made together with Anders Petersen. They booth have their roots here.

Past and present.

Aftermath

More than a year ago I got this brilliant idea. And that long before "me too".
But something came up in my life that I had to take care of and I still do. But now the time had come.

Often as a photographer or what I should call myself, I felt so lonely. I didn't go to schools that taught photography, but it was my call. What took three years when you went to school to study photography, took me fifteen years, and I did it by myself. The hardest school and it was hell many times, but in the backmirror I'm kind of proud. It was so tough, but according to my circumstances it was no alternative to study, even though I wanted to.

Today I realize that what I have done so far took a lot of strength. What I do now is not something I struggle to do, it was never an option, since photography could be one of my limbs. I live it. To quit was never in my mind. But that's not to say that my projects are damn tough to go through.

To the point. This weekend I invited three of the best photographers in the country. We spent so many hours together, talking about everything, laughing, swimming in the sea, eating and drinking, talking more and enjoying, really enjoying eachothers company. Us together, four strong photographers/artists. Learning, sharing together. No competition what so ever. We need each other. The strong compassion and passion in making images trying to say something. Releasing books, exhibitions.
I couldn't even dream of this twenty years ago.

Like everywhere, all the time, we have to fight against this "invisible" wall, the wall of men. But our time is now, we are stronger than ever. Imagine all the muscles we have had to grew in the fights, though losing. No more. We are here to stay.

Four strong women, Kicki Lundgren, Maja Kristin Nylander, Eva Lie. I'm happy to be one of them.

Summer and reading

Curious about my books? Want something else to read this summer instead of the usual novel or thriller?
What a good idea!
Send an e-mail to: s.otterberg@gmail.com

Want to know more? Visit my website.

Nova

Big dogs have always frightened me. Bad experiences since I was a child, isn't it always? Dogs in general actually, never trusted them since then. I am more of a cat person.

Suddenly I ended up to be a "nanny" for a poodle when I worked on my book. Thought it was a good idea, I had to walk the dog and take a break every now and then. And she was not that big, I could handle it. I never took in consideration that I would fall in love...she helped me, without knowing, taking care of my anxiety with dogs, in general.

Tonight I met this wonderful dog. She is huge in my world and we made contact. Her name is Nova. No fear anymore.

Nature is kind of magic

Something has happened to me this last year. I feel more grounded and I have a need to stop, to see the "small" things that happens around me. I'm full of emotions. Maybe it has to do with my state at the moment.
Outside our bedroom window two magpies started to restore their nest from last year in spring. Clever birds! I like to study them, they are cheeky as well and very intelligent. Now they have little ones and summer is hot. When they feed the little ones they don't fly straight to the nest. No, they start from the ground and slowly climb the tree to reach it and I believe because they don't want to show, for instance, the seagulls, that they have babies. When I throw them the rest of the cheese they act like they are looking for food close to the cheese. "Nothing special here" and then they attack the cheese, as much as they can take, to fly away with it to some secret spot and enjoy. Nature is magic. That is what I have had in mind today.

The Handmaid's Tale

I watched The Handmaid's Tale and almost couldn't even blink. That actress, Elisabeth Moss, is excellent. Always walking on the thin line and does it so well.
But, the series scares the shit out of me. In Margaret Atwood's world (the book) the society is a hellhole, a bad bad bad nightmare. What scares me is that the world is so crazy that it could easily tilt into the extreme. Is the THT a wakeup call, a prophecy? Is it so farfetched really?

We need to be aware of the dark forces and read between the lines, folks. It's not too late, but let's not make it either.

The seaside

One of these days nothing special needs to be done. Heading out for some seabreeze and it turns out to be a great time. Seagulls, the waves slowly hitting shore, the sounds and the salty smell. Am I a lucky one to live on the westcoast a short drive away, yes.

Grant!

This little lady couldn't care less, now cuddling on my lap. But I'm very happy to have received the news that my book, RESORT, was granted by the Swedish Council of Culture.

On a lazy Sunday afternoon

Thunder and lightning! The weather turned and it's more like a swedish summer. You have to be prepared for anything and change of plan is natural, take both your umbrella and swimsuit, 'cause you never know.

Better then to stay inside and dive into new photobooks. I had quite a few with me from Kassel and bought some as well. I do so in periods, months could pass and not a book in sight and then a flood suddenly. I guess it has to do with the state I'm in. At the moment I feel a little introvert, don't want to socialize much except for new interesting books. The best feeling is when I get curious about the photographer, the creator. I even make contact sometimes, to let them know that I really like the book. Surprise.

Family

To have a family is a thing that was never a certain thing for me. For sure when I was a kid, my family set the rules and was a kind of security, but also uncertainty. As soon as I was nineteen I left and never looked back again. Memories of course. I travelled a lot by myself in my early twenties, I was flying and loved it. But at a certain point you are supposed to come home and find someone to build a family with, right. I couldn't. I wanted something else.
I could never cope with conventions and thought I was so different. Kept on flying...until I landed on hard ground. The journey was so long, too long.
To find out that I was no different, that hurt. I digged deep into myself and the only thing that came up was that I also wanted a family. That sucked. Took me so many years of crazy relationships, bad trips and loneliness.

But now I´m here, I survived, got my own lovely family now since many years. Conventional, no, not quite. But I have landed.

Soul sisters

About six months ago my hairdresser gave me some seeds. I planted them. Two of them really liked it and started their life close to eachother with a lot of my care. Since I didn´t visit a hairdresser for about forty years I trust her. She was very afraid to cut my hair at first, since in her world, it was already too short. Guess she got used to it. I like to keep it short.
But that´s not my point.

I planted the seeds, they grew, and the other day I replanted them in larger pots. The space is not that big in our flat so they ended up in separate rooms. One of them seemed to like the new pot with fresh soil, the dominant one apparently. The other one seemed very sad inspite of water and nourishing soil. I didn´t know what to do...she was hanging down and was not happy.

Suddenly it struck me, they need to be close to eachother...well it was worth a try.
An hour later. The result is what you see in the picture.

Soul sisters...how could I ever seperate them again?

The Blue Hour

Serious photographers always talk about the Blue Hour. The blue hour is when the sun sets and for a short while, you can see the sky in the windows. It's kind of magic. They run for their camera equipment. People who are not at all interested in photography maybe see this as well and associate it with warm evenings and romance. This is a short and very rare moment, especially here, up north. Just because the sun is very often clouded or it's too dark in wintertime.
For me, as a photographer, it has no meaning at all. I'm not that kind of photographer. But as a human being, yes. I believe in romance.

Que viva el Perú!!!

My love is from Perú. Yesterday Sweden played football against Perú just before the worldcup starts next week. It was fantastic to see how happy she was when she met and joined in with fellow-countrymen. How strong the patriotism is, even when it comes to hunting a piece of leather. Fascinating.

Summerwalk

Another wonderful walk with someone important. This summer is unbelievable so far and does wonders to my recovery. After a tough project and bookrelease I enjoy just to receive the beauty of nature. It's time for healing.

My books at the Journal stand

Kicki Lundgren, also a great photographer, took this picture of me the last day at the Kassel Photobookfestival yesterday.
It was great with a lot of meetings with other artists. Thousands of books! Maybe too many?

There is a lot of struggle in this business. So many people make books these days. But are they all good? Of course not.

Strong  and stubborn 'menschen' who knows what they want and the opposite, those who have no idea...

Artist talks of course, always giving me something except for the last one with Anders Petersen. (Heard it too many times before I guess.)

Of course I swopped books and my small rucksack was so heavy and I only took carry-on luggage on the flight, why!?
Try to carry a small bag that's really heavy and make it look like it's featherweight.

Feel like I could sleep for a week now...

Festival for photobooklovers

Booksigning at Kassel Photobookfestival

Tomorrow morning I'm going to Kassel Photobookfestival which is celebrating it's tenth anniversary to sign my new book (my first one as well). You can see it here. Journal will be there with a lot of incredible photographers. It will be great fun!

Hot hot hot

31 degrees Celsius in my hometown. In Scandinavia, in May, northern Europe. Sweet soulmusic and a beer.
And they say that swedes are cold...

Facelift

I probably live in the less segregated area in Gothenburg - Gamlestan. Here is where SKF once started and I have relatives who worked there and were proud of it.
It all started in the fifteenth century and then it was called Nya Lödöse, that was long before Gothenburg became, exactly Gothenburg. Gamlestan, as it is called now, had a bad reputation for many years. My grandparents managed to get a small flat here in 1949, the house was brand new. It had a fridge and a flushing toilet, what a luxury! (I, myself, live in the same house now.) Not all houses here were that modern. A lot of immigrants/working labour came to work in SKF and the company started to build good houses for their employees. It was a workingclass area, and it still is. Here you can find all kinds of people from all over the world.
20-30 years ago there were many problems with gangs, shootings and dealing. That´s not the case now, they have moved to other places. But still, we had a bad reputation.

I love this part of the city. There is a lot of creativity, music, a lot of things going on here. And we have social problems as well. But it seems to work.

Now Gamlestan is the new prospect, they are building houses, a new central station, a lot of enterprises will move in, new infrastructure. New cafés and restaurants. In 2030 it will all be settled and a lot will have changed. Gamlestan will be the place where people would like to move to and to live in.

I think this old part of the big city earns this facelift and I enjoy to follow the progress. It´s no longer the barrio that God forgot.

Eager beaver

I had the most fantastic day today. Walking in the forest together with someone I haven´t seen for a long time, someone important. Someone who I had difficulties to reach. You know, sometimes it´s enough to stretch out a hand. If it´s received it could be a day of magic. Long talks, raining was hard, but didn´t matter because we had a reunion. My mother and I.

Soulmate

My fourlegged best friend is sleeping beside me. She is snoring, making little jumps and I hope she is in a good place in her dreams. Deep sleep.

Dance!

Enjoy the simple things in life. Dance and sing. And breath...

Simplicity

Recently I started to shrink my equipment, changed it and that is a bless. Less stress and more fun.

I bought an old and cheap camera, one lens. This is the camera I will work with in this blog, nothing else. No prestige, just creativity and joy.

This is part of my philosophy when it comes to many things. Get rid of the things you don´t need, the weight, if you will. Do things that are good for YOU. Don´t mix with people who are taking your energy without giving. Stop reading what people tell you to read. Stop listening. Go your own way. Don´t imagine that anyone or anything can make you feel fulfilled except for yourself and what you do. Make it simple, have fun, and look forward. Reflect.

New beginnings

My name is Susanne Otterberg. I make images.
I made a revolution within myself some time ago. Skipped internet with all that comes with it. It was no choice of vanity, disgrace or pride. It was one of the choices I had to make to survive. No more Facebook...never Instagram, I could continue...
But I would not like to start my blog with that crap. So I don´t.

Why? Something happened to me that changed everything, that should be enough information.

That´s my most honest today confession ever in this blog to come, you will never get it again. You will get more on what I have found important to me, maybe to you as well, real life, the life that you can touch...